I attended Baptism in the Park Sunday at Woodland Hills Family Church. It was great to see those who dedicated their lives to serving Jesus. As I joined in the celebration of their new lives, I was reminded again of the warfare I’m going through. I stood there with a sling in my arm and sharp pains shooting through my back. I was angry. I was supposed to be one of those being baptized.
The last three times WHFC offered baptism I have been injured. These last two times I have been able to identify this as Spiritual Warfare. Before you think I’m crazy and stop reading this blog, hear me out.
What is Spiritual Warfare? It’s the concept that demons or fallen spirits attempt to confuse goodness and the will of God. Some believe this “warfare” to be manifested in multiple ways, including demonic harassment, by attacks on a person’s thoughts, their physical self, relationships, or life with God.
I feel the attack. The Enemy has managed to tear me down physically, emotionally, financially, and mentally. He has tried to keep me from writing this blog. If only I could explain how deep this attack is affecting me. It’s went unspoken to others because I don’t feel that words can begin to express how I feel. I feel there is a dark cloud surrounding me; and endless thunderstorm that won’t go away.
I’ve been in the ER two times this past week. As I tried to push pass the pain on Friday night, I could no longer hold back my tears. The pain was unbearable. I felt as though someone had lit me on fire and there was nothing I could do. I felt like I was being burned alive. I kept thinking to myself that I refuse to let this “warfare” take over me. Satan was not going to win. I kept repeating Jesus’ name over and over again. The pain was unbearable, but I knew he couldn’t touch my soul – Jesus had it under control.
He has certainly attacked me financially, and caused my faith to to get rocky. I haven’t stopped believing or trusting that God will provide for me. But I have found myself being impatient and asking why. Just when I thought I had let myself fall into Satan’s hands, I received an unexpected check in the mail. God provided, just like He promised he would. Now that I think about it, perhaps I haven’t trusted like I should. If you trust in God completely, there should be no question of why.
I have missed out on the last week of my life. Pain pills and muscle relaxers have controlled me. I haven’t been able to function like a normal person; I’ve had no control over my decisions, my words, or my actions. My mental state has been altered. But without taking these medications I couldn’t function either. I’ve been stuck in a Catch 22. I have wanted to cry, but haven’t been able to.
My emotions are running away with me. Satan is laughing I’m sure. So many thoughts running through my mind daily – thoughts that I don’t want. I have walked around pretending like everything is okay. It’s not. I feel like I’m on the edge of a cliff, hanging on by my fingertips, and there is no one to save me. Where is everybody? Where is Jesus? I know He is there. I can hear Him crying out for me, but He is so distant.
My Bible just seems to stare at me. Where is my strength to open it? Why is this so hard? Why am I running away from the only one who can save me? Satan laughs and dances – he tells himself he’s winning. Am I letting him? I can’t let him win!
Today, as I try and see the world through clear eyes I realize that I have to get rid of this dark cloud surrounding me. Pain shoots through me, tears try to flow, emotions are high. This isn’t who I am. This isn’t who I want to be. I have taken my armor off for a brief rest, and my attacker made his move. His sword is sharp, but mine is being sharpened.
Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.
I sit here now wondering what to say to inspire those of you reading this. I know my words today haven’t exactly brought warmth to your heart. It is important for you to know that Spiritual Warfare does exist. It’s very real and I am a part of it.
Where do I go from here? Up! I must seek my Savior. I must take control of my thoughts and send them to the island of Misfit Thoughts.
I close today with a simple request: pray for me. Pray for my strength in this battle. Pray for me to overcome The Enemy’s attempts to keep me down.
Pray 1 Peter 5:6-9 for me, please.
