I teach others about what forgiveness looks like. How forgiveness is different from healing from what happened to us. How forgiveness is the first step to healing.
But what happens when you look into the mirror one morning and the very thing you’ve been teaching others about stares back at you and you try to avoid eye contact with yourself at all costs? That may or may not have happened to a friend of mine….. or me…. whatever.
The last month of my life seems to have a theme I’m slowly picking up on: forgiveness.
It’ s a recurring theme at church as we discuss the live of Joseph and the multiple heartbreaks he endured. We’ve talked about it four different times at Celebrate Recovery. It did me in when Tenth Avenue North popped up on the screen singing, “Losing.”
Oh, Father won’t You forgive them
They don’t know what they’ve been doing
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losing
Who do I have left to forgive? Haven’t I done this already? Most of it anyway?
Then I sit across from a friend who is walking in her own forgiveness journey and I share a recent experience that stirred up more memories than I cared to talk about and she asks me the question, “Do you think there’s someone you still need to forgive?”
Ouch. Nothing like having what you preached to others pointed back to you. She’s right. Way more right than I want her to be.
I’m in a season – a season of forgiveness.
I realized something the other day. Some people I’m having to forgive again, on a different level. I forgave them when I lived hours away and didn’t have plans to see them again. Then God throws a wrench in my life plans and calls me back to my hometown – the place where I once justified my unforgiveness and bitterness.
So I see him at the grocery store and I get triggered. I run into her unexpectedly at a birthday party and I’m reminded of the pain she caused me. And God shows me I have to forgive – again. The pain stares me in the face and I cannot run from it. I feel tension and bitterness well up in me and I don’t like it. I stop smiling and revisit old memories I don’t need to revisit. I scowl and cry and have hate in my eyes. That’s not who I am. Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them, cause I feel like the one losing.
God is asking for more of me.
God reminds me “When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required.” And I remember He has called me to lead. To help women find freedom. To be a light. To speak truth. To help others draw near to Him. And He gently reminds me through my tears I can’t expect others to walk in freedom if I don’t.
[Tweet “I can’t expect others to walk in freedom if I don’t.”]
I repent and ask Him to hold me a little tighter through this journey. And I choose to forgive. Every day. Sometimes one minute at a time. Over and over again. Father, I forgive them, just as you have forgiven me. Help me believe it. Help me mean it. Help me walk it out.
So here I am – in this season of forgiveness. Real. Raw. Fighting back with forgiveness, because I don’t have time to walk in unforgiveness. None of us have time for it, really. Not if we want to live the life God has so perfectly designed for us.
[Tweet “We don’t have time to walk in unforgiveness if we want to live the life God has perfectly designed for us.”]
I wrote these words on a chalkboard in my room the other day, “I am forgiven so I forgive.” I see them each morning when I wake up and when I go to bed, and I am reminded to forgive, because I have been forgiven. Yes, that is my heart’s desire.
Forgiveness is messy. It’s painful. There are tears. Snot bubble tears. Pride rears its ugly head. Justification tries to paint a permanent portrait on the canvas of our minds. But the messy process of forgiveness is beautiful, because God is in every detail, holding our hands through it. Wiping our tears. Reminding us of His love for us and those who trespass against us in His Word. Giving us a picture of what the future holds for us if we are obedient to forgive as He forgave us.
Oh yes… I am grateful. Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them. I don’t want to lose.
My name is Sundi Jo and I am a forgiving follower of Jesus Christ.
[reminder]What season of life does God have you in right now?[/reminder]