When someone takes their own life, those closest to them immediately ask, “What could I have done differently? What if I did this? What if I called her more? What if I visited him more?”
There’s an immense guilt survivors feel and it takes a while to get through that grief. Then comes the anger. “Why would she do something so stupid? Why didn’t he bother to think about us before he decided to take the easy way out?” Insert your own question here.

On my 15th birthday I got a phone call my dad had attempted suicide. I tried to visit him. I tried to ask him why, but I was too angry. I remember walking out of the hospital telling myself over and over again what a selfish son-of-a-b!%c# he was, and vocalizing it to the staff around me. I was so focused on him breaking my heart, again, I couldn’t realize he had his own pain.
Last week I attended the funeral of a sweet man who took his own life. Two years ago this month I sat at the funeral of a friend who took hers as well. I’ve sat with friends and family as we’ve mourned and asked ourselves many of the above questions. Oh how I wish I could answer.

I don’t know why others commit suicide, but I can I tell you why I almost did? 

When my friend Chanel took her own life, I grieved for months. I grieved for the loss. I would never hear her sassy tone again. She never beat that stupid drug addiction. She was gone forever and she died of a broken heart.
But I also grieved remembering that could’ve been me. I could’ve been the one jumping off that bridge. I could’ve been the one in such darkness with my thoughts that I felt I couldn’t reach out to anyone.
Actually, I was that person more than once. The last time was 2009. I wanted to die. I couldn’t bare the pain anymore. I had nothing left to live for. I was a bad person. Many of my secrets had been revealed and now I just needed to go before it got worse. I needed to help others with their pain by getting rid of myself.
It wasn’t because I was being selfish like I thought my dad was. I was hurting and didn’t think I could find a way out. I was in a battle for my mind and Satan was winning.

We may not ever know why people choose to take their own lives, but I believe there is a common denominator.

Shame. It’s a powerful word, causing us to do things out of the norm. Shame convinces us we’re bad. It tells us there isn’t hope. It rears its ugly head and reminds us we’re unlovable and no one will ever truly understand us. It’s a great reminder to keep our secrets to ourselves.
Shame angers me. It took so many years of my life. It’s controlling many of those around me. And it’s literally taken the lives of of people I love. I’m not okay with sitting back and watching that happen.

Those who choose suicide often think their problems are unsolvable and they feel completely out of control.

Oh.. that’s a lie from the devil, my friend. I know it’s a lie because I believed it.
May I be honest for a second? I still fight shame. I fight it so frequently that I have Psalm 34:5 tattooed on my wrist to remind me “Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.”
Sometimes I struggle with a deep loneliness I can’t explain. You could put me in a room full of people and I’d still feel alone. Crazy, I know, but true. Every now and again, even after all these years of combatting shame by knowing and reminding myself how much God loves me, a thought will slip in from shame, saying, “Why are you here? You know you would do the world a favor by just getting rid of yourself.”

But I choose life. 

I choose life because I know now what I didn’t know then – we are in a spiritual battle for our lives! Satan prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Don’t believe me? See for yourself. 
But I don’t choose life on my own. I choose life with others. I choose to share my secrets, no matter how big or small. I choose to share my struggles in relationships. I choose to know the truth about who God says I am even when my feelings are a big fat liar.
I choose life and I long for you to do the same.
You were made for more. You were created for a purpose. God loves you with an everlasting love. He knit you together in your mother’s womb. He holds you in His righteous right hand. He collects your tears. When you look to Him, radiance beats shame.
Shame is not yours to keep, my friend. It’s not yours to keep. I’m fighting it with you. You are not alone.
I love you.
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