In his book DNA of Relationships, Garry Smalley says, “Behind every all we find a person who feels unsafe. That person doesn’t want to stay closed and offended, but because the environment feels unsafe, he or she builds the wall for protection and self-preservation.” What do your walls look like?
I know this woman who has not only built four walls around her heart, she has created a fortress. Behind that fortress is a little girl who has felt too unsafe to come out. For over twenty years that little girl has been me.
For a while now two of her most popular games have been hide-and-go-seek and peek-a-boo. She slowly moves her head out from behind the wall. Here eyes move left to right. It looks clear. She eases one foot out. It appears safe to come out.
I see a small glimpse of her. I had forgotten what she looked like. I watch her as she tip toes very cautiously. Her fingers slide across the bricks as she hesitantly lets go. Then she hears a voice. “Come to me.” It sounds so calming and deep. She’s never heard anything like it. She smiles and waits to hear again.
“You don’t belong! Give up now!” That’s not the same angelic voice she heard moments ago. It’s loud and harsh and sounds so familiar. Could it be her own voice? Where does she go? What does she do? Run! Run! She jets toward the wall and hides again. I so desperately want her to come back. I want to see her again. I want to tell her she is safe. I want to hear her laugh. I want to dry her tears.
Days come and go and I see no trace of her. Wait, there she is. I watch her try again. Her steps increase. She holds her head higher. But then she runs again. Each time, however, she walks a little further. I watch her as she begins to recognize that wretched voice telling her she doesn’t belong. It is hers! It’s her voice, filled with lies that have haunted her for what seems like forever. She finds herself confused. Can she face that voice or will her fears send her back to the fortress?
She’s been hiding for so long. I’m starting to recognize her more. I’m starting to enjoy her beauty. I can find myself loving her. I begin to see her in a new light – God’s light. Why? Bricks are missing. The walls around her are crumbling. The fortress is slowly tumbling to the ground. She can breathe. She’s finally breathing fresh air.
Today I find myself wanting to grab her hand and snatch her out of that dark place she’s been hiding. But I can’t. She must feel safe first. This time I must protect her the right way.
I have been a master architect. I have built walls with the heaviest bricks. I have made sure no crack existed in those walls. My design was perfect; so I thought. I was wrong. I didn’t’ include an escape plan. My masterpiece is being torn down. My work of art, twenty years in the making will soon be nothing! Praise God! The fortress I have built has never protected – it’s only harmed. Inside those walls has lived a helpless little girl, crying out. I couldn’t hear her cries. I didn’t want to hear her cries. Each time a tear would start to fall I added another brick.
You’ll be happy to know she’s finally flourishing. She’s a work in progress, but she’s finally being se free. Around my heart lays a mess full of concrete. But someday it will be swept away. Someday I will grab that little girl by the hand and we will walk as one. Someday.
Stay tuned…………it’s gonna be BIG!