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[guestpost]I wrote this post in January, not intending to share it with others. I thought it would be healing to put my feelings into words. I felt led to share it with you today. Thank you for being a safe place to be honest. [/guestpost]

It’s January 2, 2014. Yesterday I got on the scale as I prepared to start my annual 21-day liquid fast. This is the second year I’ve done it, as a way to rejuvenate myself both physically and spiritually. I saw amazing results from it the first time around, so I’m excited to do it again.
Ah…. But back to the scale.
I weighed in at 225 lbs. For a split second my mind was in shock. The scale has to be wrong. It just has to be. But I knew in my heart it wasn’t wrong.

Since Christmas Eve I have emotionally eaten myself into oblivion, gaining 11 pounds. Wow! That adds up to more than one pound per day I gained. My heart is saddened and my feelings humiliated.
Why is that number staring back at me so harshly and sending a tornado of mixed emotions through my heart and mind?
Because I’ve gained 40 lbs. of the 145 I lost. Since 2010, the weight has managed to climb back up.
My heart hurts. I hear a thousand things going through my head at once. Failure. Embarrassment. Hypocrite. Forgiven. Shamed. Grace. Fat. Overwhelmed. Second Chance. The list goes on.
There is a whirlwind of words, but my mind focuses on the ones not from God, but rather from the enemy who sets out to destroy me. Why is it so much easier to believe that I am an embarrassment to those around me versus believing that God’s grace washes over me like Niagara Falls?
I write this to you today with a vulnerability hangover. I love those two words, stolen from Brenee Brown. Vulnerability is scary, and sharing a number like that with the world is way too far out of my comfort zone.
But I’m doing it afraid.
It’s real. I’m here. A wake up call is ringing in my ear asking me how I got to this point. There are a number of factors I guess. Hormones. Lack of energy and ability to exercise. Emotions. No discipline. In the end, the responsibility is mine, and I receive it. There is no time to blame; only time to move forward.
My clothes are tighter. My face is puffier. But my soul seeks something bigger, the God who created me and desires to see me live out His mission designed just for me. I want that. I do.
I share this truth with the world, destined to do it without humiliation and shame, but to say hope still exists. It’s very real. It happens one moment at a time. One day at a time. One breath at a time.
I am a new creation in Christ Jesus, but I must live that way. I must believe it in the depths of my soul so that I may walk out the truth. The old has gone and the new has come. The new is here. Shall I embrace it? Yes.
Will you join me on this journey of vulnerability as I strive to say goodbye to the extra baggage I have allowed myself to carry?
I will join you on yours too. Let it go.

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