Can You Die Of A Broken Heart?

Interesting question. I believe the answer is yes. I believe I saw it first hand.

broken_heart_by_starry_eyedkid-1My grandfather passed away on August 15. He was 84. Yes, he was old. Yes, he had been sick. Yes, his cancer was back. But I believe he died from a weakened heart.  I believe he gave up because he felt lost.

His favorite word was “cotton pickin”. He loved barbecue and fish. He loved to sit on his porch swing and watch the squirrels play in the yard. He loved to ride around town in his electric wheelchair. Yes, my grandpa was an All-American, true blooded redneck. He was proud of it too. He wore overalls and used to smoke like a freight train. He fought in WWII and didn’t talk about it much.

He had many skeletons in his closet, and a lot of them he didn’t talk about. One of those skeletons was alcohol. It controlled him for many years. They say alcoholism can be hereditary.  I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t watched it be passed on before my very eyes. My aunts, my uncles, my cousins, and my dad; it took over their lives. It took over my grandpa’s too. But I still loved him.

When my dad died in February, so did my grandpa’s heart. His eyes died. His emotions died. His smile died. I could see it on his face the last time I told him goodbye. Six months later he is gone.

Could I have helped mend his broken heart? Was I too scared to acknowledge his sadness because I was to engulfed in mine? I guess we’ll never know.

The Word Really Is My Strength

1 My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him.

2 He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

3 How long will you assault a man? Would all of you throw him down— this leaning wall, this tottering fence?

4 They fully intend to topple him from his lofty place; they take delight in lies. With their mouths they bless, but in their hearts they curse. Selahgod_will_make

5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.

6 He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

7 My salvation and my honor depend on God [a] ; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

8 Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Selah

9 Lowborn men are but a breath, the highborn are but a lie; if weighed on a balance, they are nothing; together they are only a breath.

10 Do not trust in extortion or take pride in stolen goods; though your riches increase,
do not set your heart on them.

11 One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong,

12 and that you, O Lord, are loving. Surely you will reward each person
according to what he has done.

This chapter has brought comfort to me over the past few days, especially yesterday. I read it during the three hour ride to my grandfather’s funeral over and over again. When I pulled up to the funeral home I read it again. After the funeral I read it. And on the three hour trip back home it still comforted me. God gave me the strength to make it yesterday through the words of this Psalm.

As I stepped into the sight of my family, verses 3-4 were playing my head. I hadn’t seen or spoke to that side of my family for 6 months. With their mouths they bless, but in their hearts they curse. I remembered that my soul finds rest in God alone, because he is my rock.

I sat in the funeral yesterday and began to feel anger toward some of the people in that room. Then I kept remembering the promise of God’s Word. It allowed me to pray for them; to pray for blessings over them. It allowed me to repeat forgiveness for them.

Verses 3-6 tells us that prayer can release our tensions in times of emotional stress. Trusting God to be our rock, salvation, and fortress will change our entire outlook on life. No longer must we be held captive by resentment toward others when they hurt us. When we are resting in God’s strength, nothing can shake us.  If only it were that easy huh? I guess it is for some people. I wish I could wake up everyday and say that I have no resentment towards others; that I constantly feel like I am resting in God’s strength. I must take it one day at a time I guess.

This I am sure of, even though some days it takes me longer to realize: God is strong and you, O Lord, are loving. The Message puts it this way in verses 7-8: My help and glory are in God —granite-strength and safe-harbor-God— So trust him absolutely, people; lay your lives on the line for him. God is a safe place to be. A friend of mine this morning said, “God is stronger than my granite counter tops.” That is true, and so much more. The most comforting thing to know for me is that God is a safe place to be. He is safe and I have to keep telling myself that.

Where is Your Eternity?

Eternity

I learned this week that a man I went to school with had taken his own life. My first thoughts revolved around the sadness I had for the child he left behind. That little boy would never really get to know his father. But as the week went on I began to think about his salvation. The last time I saw him was about 10 years ago, during a very dark time in my life. It was during that time that I was involved in drugs and considering my own suicide.

I was listening to a sermon this week about Heaven and Hell. The preacher said something to me that really stuck out. Over 6,000 people a day in the United States go into Eternity. Over 6,000 people! But where do they go? Heaven or Hell? That question has left an aching in my heart. I know where I’m going when I become one of those 6,000 people. But the sad reality is, there are MANY who don’t.  And I haven’t always known.

Today I ask many “what if’s?” What if I wouldn’t have opened my eyes to Jesus when I did? What if I was still wandering this world lost, looking for all the wrong answers? What if someone would have reached out to him? What if I would have been that someone?

I don’t know where his eternity will be spent. But as I look around at many of my loved ones today, I know the answer. But that answer doesn’t have to stay the same. Where do I go from here? What do I do? My first step is prayer. My second step is to be an example.  The third, and hardest step is speaking the truth.

6God is just: He will pay back trouble to those who trouble you 7and give relief to you who are troubled, and to us as well. This will happen when the Lord Jesus is revealed from heaven in blazing fire with his powerful angels. 8He will punish those who do not know God and do not obey the gospel of our Lord Jesus. 9They will be punished with everlasting destruction and shut out from the presence of the Lord and from the majesty of his power 10on the day he comes to be glorified in his holy people and to be marveled at among all those who have believed. 2 Thessalonians 1:6-10

Sobering words if I say so myself. I praise the Lord that I am able to say with confidence, not cockiness, that on the day of Christ’s return I will be among those glorified, not punished with everlasting destruction. I praise God that I have received that promise. It was only three years ago that I received that promise.

It’s only too late when He has called your name one final time. Where is your Eternity?

Just Me, A Beer and an Old Buddy

Sunset-Shot-R

I just woke up. It’s 3:00 a.m. and time for a story. The words of Billy Currington’s “People are crazy” are running through my head.

It’s a beautiful Saturday afternoon in the Ozarks. I’m sitting at the pub enjoying an onion loaf and a beer. It’s perfect weather for a day to just sit and enjoy the view. I love to people watch. I love to sit still and and take in the scenery of each individual, guessing bits and pieces of their history. My assumptions are probably off, but it’s still fun.

As I sip my beer in the summer sun, I see an old friend walk by. I haven’t seen him in forever. I jump up from the table and wave him down. A big smile comes across his face as he comes to the table with open arms. We hug, he kisses my cheek, and we sit down for a long, overdue visit. Oh what a visit it was!

He asked so many questions. He brought up so many wonderful memories; some of which I had completely forgotten. We also discussed things I was hoping to never be reminded of, but I guess the good comes with the bad.

“Do you remember the time You and your mom had just enough money to get a pizza and go to the movie?” he asked. “You two laughed at the pizza parlor like there was no tomorrow. You snuggled up in the theater as Jurassic Park took over the screen. When the movie was over, your mom had just enough money in her purse to watch a second movie. You were in heaven that night!”

I definitely remembered. We laughed so hard that night.

We reminisced about finding crawdads in the creek together, tee-ball, my one attempt to attend a Girl Scout’s meeting, and grossing out at the fact that my principal used to pour chocolate milk in his cereal every morning.

“Wow,” I said. “Have we been friends that long?”

“We sure have.”

We laughed about my aunt connecting the freckles on my face with a permanent marker – it’s funny now! We laughed about my bleach blond hair that I thought looked so great, and the “famous” pair of shorts that I had since the eighth grade. My grandma had to sew them up three times.

The room turned somber for a bit as we talked about things that weren’t so happy. I was amazed at  how much my old friend had remembered. There was the time my mom sat for hours in worry after the police called and said I had been kidnapped. I was found. There was the time I was so depressed I had a gun to my head. The phone rang. There was the time the doctor’s said I would never walk again. I did. Tears started to well up in my eyes as other thoughts of my past began to sneak up. He softly touched my hand, shook his head, and changed the subject. I didn’t need to be reminded of those things.

Hours passed as we played catch up. People came and went. We sat quietly for a while and watched them together. He would point and begin to tell a story about their lives. He was way better at this game than I was! It seemed as if he wasn’t guessing, but knew exactly what each person was feeling as they walked through the doors.

Before we knew it, closing time was upon us. I flagged the waitress down for the bill. Apparently, during my trip to the bathroom my buddy had covered. I gave him a sheepish grin and shook my head.

“What are friends for?”

“I got it next time,” I said.

“I don’t think that’s necessary. I’ve got you covered.”

As he got up to leave and hug me goodbye, we agreed that it had been far too long since our last visit. We made a pact to keep in touch. This time I wouldn’t let him get so far away.

He put his hands on my shoulders, kissed my cheek goodbye, and whispered, “I am great. Beer is good. And people are crazy.”

He was gone.

What Happens When Jesus Becomes Your Personal Trainer?

No Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Atkins or Slim Fast. Just Jesus, my friends, my family, and the choice to change my life one healthy bite at a time!

Me & Gma _BeforeAFter

Me_Jammie_BeforeAfter

Me_Mom_BeforeAfter

Me_BeforeAfter

Staring in the Mirror

Someone asked me yesterday about my pet peeves. I told them that judging others bothered me. I had never given much thought about the things that bothered me about others. I just knew what I liked and didn’t like.

  • Judgmental people.
  • Drama.
  • Arrogance.
  • People who can’t just get to the point.

mirrorThese are just a few. But I found myself last night doing these very things that I hate, which brings up another one of my pet peeves, hypocrites. I got a wake up call last night – one I don’ t feel proud to admit.

Before I turned the lights out last night I had marked off three of the things on my list. I was a judgmental, overly dramatic, hypocrite! And here I sit today with a dose of reality, thanking Jesus for His willingness to forgive and wipe my slate clean.

I’m carrying my mirror around today, reminding myself that before I take my next journey on judging someone else’s character, perhaps I should check my own blemishes.

Visit Matthew 7:1-5 for a friendly reminder. I love the way The Message defines it.

Finding Things To Be Grateful For

I feel so grateful to be holding my head up and writing this blog today. For the past four days that hasn’t been the case. I’ve spent the weekend in and out of the ER, with doctors telling me they had no diagnosis. Finally, I’m on the right path to wellness.

I’m making a list of things to be grateful for, despite what’s happened to me in the past weblessingsek.

  • I’m grateful that God blessed me with the ability to walk again.
  • I’m grateful for the amazing friendships He has sent my way in the past year.
  • I’m grateful for the relationship God continues to build with me.
  • I’m grateful for the ways He has strengthened me.
  • I’m grateful for my church family.
  • I’m grateful for His ability in me to lose the weight I have.
  • I’m grateful for the beautifully blessed apartment I live in.
  • I’m grateful for the job He has given me.
  • I’m grateful for the amazing, caring mother He has blessed me with.
  • I’m grateful that I have so many blessings I can’t even count them all.
  • I’m grateful for all of my hardships during the past year. Without them, I wouldn’t be where I am now.

God is gracious—it is he who makes things right,  our most compassionate God.

Satan, stick that in your pipe and smoke it!

I Just Brought My Dad Out of The Closet – Sense of Humor Required

My life just took a giant leap into the next healing phase. I don’t know whether to fall asleep from exhaustion or jump and shout from relief.

My “pop” passed away in February. It has been a difficult, exhausting, unbelievable, emotional, confusing, sad, happy, and overwhelming five months. I have celebrated his “Homecoming” to Jesus. I have cried myself to sleep wanting him to come home. I’ve asked why many times. I have been in denial. I’ve even refused to talk about it.

My dad was cremated. When I returned home from his funeral, I walked into my apartment carrying a box full of his ashes and a picture of him – that was all I had left of him. Friends who were there for support immediately came to my rescue. They put the box of ashes in the closet and stuck his picture on my bathroom counter for me too look at. After she saw the sadness on my face from looking at the picture, she put that in the closet too.

That’s where they’ve stayed. Until today that is. I was cleaning house, jamming out to some Dolly Parton. I sat on my bed to fold some clothes and looked up. There was the box. There was my dad. For the first time since his funeral I picked up that box. I sat on my bed and just stared.

As I started to put it back I felt God tugging on my heart. “It’s time.” He was right – it was time. I sat the box on my entertainment center, reminding myself I needed to breathe. (That certainly explained the dizziness.) There was something missing. I knew exactly what it was. I headed back to the closet and got his picture out.

I’m sitting here writing this, looking at my dad’s picture for the first time in five months. He’s smiling at me. I’m smiling back, remembering the lasts words I ever heard from him were “I love you.” For those of you who know me best, this is a huge step for me. And I’m surviving it – I’m okay!

Thank you Jesus for your strength. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for the healing you brought me today. Thank you for giving my pop the chance to get to know you.

The Handwriting of God

This is a story from From Robert J. Morgan in On This Day.

Missionaries Dick and Margaret Hillis found themselves caught in China during the Japanese invasion. The couple lived with their two children in the inland town of Shenkiu. The village was tense with fear; every day brought terrifying reports of the Japanese advance. At the worst possible time, Dick developed appendicitis, and he knew his life depended on making the long journey by ricksha to the hospital. On January 15, 1941, with deep foreboding, Margaret watched him leave.

Soon the Chinese colonel came with news. The enemy was near and townspeople must evacuate. Margaret shivered, knowing that one-year-old Johnny and two-month old Margaret Anne would never survive as refugees. So she stayed put. Early next morning she tore the page from the wall calendar and read the new days’ Scripture. It was Psalm 56:3–What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee.

The town emptied during the day, and next morning Margaret arose, feeling abandoned. The new verse on the calendar was Psalm 9:10–Thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee.  brick wall

The next morning she arose to distant sounds of gunfire and worried about food for her children. The calendar verse was Genesis 50:21–I will nourish you and your little ones. An old woman suddenly popped in with a pail of steaming goat’s milk, and another straggler arrived with a basket of eggs.

Throughout the day, sounds of warfare grew louder, and during the night Margaret prayed for deliverance. The next morning she tore the page from the calendar to read Psalm 56:9–When I cry unto Thee, then shall my enemies turn back. The battle was looming closer, and Margaret didn’t go to bed that night. Invasion seemed imminent. But the next morning, all was quiet. Suddenly, villagers began returning to their homes, and the colonel knocked on her door.

For some reason, he told her, the Japanese had withdrawn their troops. No one could understand it, but the danger had passed. They were safe.

Margaret glanced at her wall calendar and felt she had been reading the handwriting of God.

Kay Arthur says, “You and I have the handwriting of God–the words of God–and it is He who tells us to ask for our daily bread, who tells us not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will care of itself. Each day has troubles of its own.”

George Mueller – A Man of Many Prayers

In Kay Arthur’s Lord Teach Me to Pray, she discusses several times throughout the study a man named George Mueller. I’m a fan of history, so I George Muellerdecided to look his name up. He’s definitely a man worth reading about. In 1836 Mueller and his wife started an orphanage. By the end of Meuller’s life he raised over 10,000 orphans. As if that’s not enough to be impressed with, it’s how he provided for those orphans that amazed me.

His requests for food, supplies, or money didn’t reach people. He didn’t ask anyone for anything. He simply went to God. He didn’t ask the the local lumberyard for building supplies. He didn’t ask the banker for a donation. He gave his requests to God, and ALL his needs were fulfilled. Many times he would receive food for the children only hours before they were to be fed. The children were dressed and well educated. No child left the orphanage without a Bible in hand.

This man may have lived centuries ago, but I believe we can all still learn from him. He applied biblical principals in all of his decision making. And he gave his requests to God before asking of others.

Does this mean we’re not to ask others for anything? I don’t necessarily think so. I believe God will put that on our hearts individually. I believe God wants us to seek Him and His will before we ask others. I believe that’s a must.

Here are Mueller’s principles:

  1. I seek at the beginning to get my heart into such a state that it has no will of its own in regard to a given matter. Nine-tenths of the difficulties are overcome when our hearts are ready to do the Lord’s will, whatever it may be. When one is truly in this state, it is usually but a little way to the knowledge of what His will is.
  2. Having done this, I do not leave the result to feeling or simple impression. If so, I make myself liable to great delusions.
  3. I seek the will of the Spirit of God through, or in connection with, the Word of God. The Spirit and the Word must be combined. If I look to the Spirit alone without the Word, I lay myself open to great delusions also.
  4. Next I take into account providential circumstances. These plainly indicate God’s will in connection with His Word and Spirit.
  5. I ask God in prayer to reveal His will to me aright.
  6. Thus through prayer to God, the study of the Word and reflection, I come to a deliberate judgment according to the best of my ability and knowledge, and if my mind is thus at peace, and continues after two or three petitions, I proceed accordingly. In trivial matters and transactions involving most important issues, I have found this method always effective.

Remember that God is faithful still and hears prayers still. Sincerely and patiently seek to know the will of God by the teaching of the Word of God, and you will ALWAYS be directed rightly.

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